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Lead Stories. January 30, 2001 Hank to Receive World's First Personality Transplant.
Hank
will not be
in attendance tonight as he will be undergoing an intense and delicate
procedure to transplant his failing personality for a newer more affable one.
The donor personality came from a Mr. Herman Yerplestein a florist and volunteer
librarian who died in a bizarre quilting accident.
"Thank god
he's a Jew...", Hank said as he was wheeled into the operating room and
fitted with the electrode-studded scull-cap. Conducting the procedure
will be Dr. David G: "The difficult part of this operation is
removing the last malignant part of Mr. Hauser's original personality which,
anticipating its own removal, has taken up residency deep within Hank's
colon." "Anal brain-ectomies can be as tricky as they are
messy", the Doctor stated.
As the anesthesia
took effect Dr. G prepared the patient by adjusting the anal probe and
rifling through his pockets for loose change. "The real danger here
is if he rejects the donor personality", said the doctor. "That
could leave him without any personality whatsoever", the doctor
warned the shrugging poker players, who seemed oddly calm about the risk
factors.
The procedure
will be witnessed by Alina Yurkofsky and Mr. Freddie Timmons, Herman
Yerplestein's life partner.
Get the recap of the 1/30/2001 game here!
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